And the Journey Still Continues

Emilia Dewi

6:15 PM (10 minutes ago)

to Emilia

I have experienced one of the hardest health challenges that I’ve ever faced in my life these last few months.

It started with a torso MRI 2 months after I had my surgery. I had a mastectomy combined with flat closure and skin graft from abdominoplasty on Nov 1, 2022 - where the surgeon had to take 35cmx20cm of skin from my stomach as a skin graft. I thought that was hard - but nothing prepared me for what I'd experience in 2023.

I found out a week after my MRI that I had metastasis in my lungs, liver, and a couple of spots in my spine. When I saw the report, it was almost like I was taken back to February 2021 - when my doctor called to tell me that I had cancer. 

Two years of my life have been spent pursuing the cure to cancer. I’ve done all the things I felt led to, especially alternative treatment from supplements, juicing, coffee enemas, thc, frequency medicine such as rife frequency, changing my diet and lifestyle, and finally surgery. I was devastated. 

It took me a couple of months to spring into action. I was still fighting the advice to do chemo - after all - the last two years I learned about all the dangers of chemotherapy - including that it can cause more cancer in the body (yup - do you know that?? It’s listed as a side effect on my chemo drug information sheet)!! 

At that time, the cancer continued to affect my body. I started to have shortness of breath in February. I thought it was allergies at first. Then, as it got worse, I thought it was the ribcage getting pushed by the liver mass.. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom without shortness of breath. Yet I continued to live as if I didn't have any of these symptoms. 

I finally made an appointment with an oncologist on March 22. I surrendered to God that if chemo is what will help my body, I would accept it! I finally understood that just because something is perceived as “bad”, it can still be our friend in this journey of healing. My attitude and belief can help to create the reality of my experience - meaning, if I am afraid of chemo and expect all the side effects, they will happen. However, when my body, mind and spirit are at ease, I can expect healing and peace to come. 

We had a plan to start chemo the following week. However, I guess my plan is not always God’s plan. I came home ecstatic about the plan - to a new reality that I couldn’t swallow my food that night. It was a soft vegetable curry and I couldn’t even eat it. Drinking also started to be challenging. If you know me personally, you know that I'm a big foodie... this was very challenging! 

Thursday was worse and I went to get an IV because a friend of mine said I was dehydrated… no kidding! I couldn’t drink like usual for the last week if I really really looked at it. While I was getting my IV, God seemed to give me a sign that there was light at the end of the tunnel. There was another couple who were getting an IV, and they shared that the husband is also a stage IV cancer survivor who’s been NED for 2 years. He did chemo in conjunction with integrative therapies and he did really well. I was feeling hopeful when I went home… however I still couldn’t swallow my dinner.

However Friday morning came and I couldn’t even drink water… I called my speech therapist friend, karindy, and she said I needed to go to the ER asap… this is when I’m really thankful for all my friends who rallied around me at such a difficult time. I have the best people and they truly came to my side =)

Lucky for me I just got into oncology care. I called my doctors office and they recommended the same thing - and advised me to go to hospital where my oncologist has hospital privilege. So I quickly packed my bag (I had a feeling that I’d be admitted) and had a friend who could drive me to Austin. Her timing was impeccable and I didn’t even know that she had a minimal procedure on her back the week prior… such an amazing warrior woman, Shilpa is! She even slept in my room for two days on a very uncomfortable recliner… Aiyayiyai…

I found out quickly that I had fluid in my lungs, my heart rate was elevated to compensate for my lungs, and I had more cancer mets in the lungs. My oncologist suspected that my neck lymph nodes were swollen and that compressive some of my cranial nerves that affected my swallowing. I was so glad that I went to the ER and gotten admitted right away. The hospitalist communicated with my oncologist and I saw her a couple hours later.

That said, that weekend was rough. I started chemo the next day… and Karindy came from Houston to help with my swallowing as I failed my modified barium swallow study. I was afraid that I would need a feeding tube - my stomach just had abdominoplasty and mesh put in - so I wondered about all the implications - but I knew it was outside of my control.

Somehow, between my first chemo infusion and my impromptu speech session with Karindy, I was able to swallow thin liquid by Sunday, to the point that my doctor did not push for an external source of nutrition aka feeding tube. What a relief… after my abdominoplasty, I really didn’t want a feeding tube on my abdominal area for long-term management of dysphagia like some of my patients! Big win!!

I was discharged on Wednesday the following week. It was totally God's timing and provision that allowed me to have support from my friends from Houston and even my mom was already scheduled to come that weekend since my roommate was out of the country.

My sister and my family in Indonesia also prayed hard during that time for my health and recovery. We reconnected after not communicating for quite a while. She reminded me that there is something to my story that God wants me to share with the world… that I need to start writing and sharing the lessons that life, cancer and God have taught me over the years. 

So, here’s my first real attempt to start journaling and sharing. Welcome to my journey of healing, selflove, and self-acceptance. I am finally learning to love myself, my purpose on earth to create, and to be. I finally realized that I have to want to be here with all the difficulties and challenges, and not always long for the everlasting happiness in heaven that I have been dreaming about to escape my own reality. Welcome to the land of the living, self! =)